Jon Stewart Quotes

Jon Stewart is currently the host of the highly popular show "the Daily Show", I've watched loads of his shows and I love it, how I wish there was somebody like him in Taiwan. Americans should be proud that their education system can produce someone like him. Here are some quotes I like.

I really thought that the make-up artist for Cinderella Man should have won. I mean it's so hard to make Russell Crowe look like he got in a fight.

If there's anyone out there involved in illegal movie piracy... don't do it. Take a good look at these people. These are the people you're stealing from. Look at them! Face what you've done! There are women here who can barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts.

I mean, 300 camera crews outside a courthouse to see what Kobe Bryant is wearing while false information used to send our country to war goes unchecked? What the f**k happened?

This morning, prompted by increasing concerns about terrorism, oil prices reached a record high as the cost of a barrel of crude is a whopping $44.34. Wow, it seems shocking that a product of finite supply gets more expensive the more we use it.... Now the terror alert means higher oil prices, which oddly enough means higher profits for oil companies giving them more money to give to politicians whose policies may favor the oil companies such as raising the terror alert level. As Simba once told us — it's the circle of life.

he Bushes hosted their predecessors at the White House yesterday, for the official unveiling of Bill and Hillary Clinton's White House portraits. The occasion moved the current commander in chief to a rare show of gracious bipartisanship.... Bush then handed the mic over to Clinton. It's been a long time since this skilled orator spoke in the White House. I'm sure he's got some profound words to share.... [clip of Clinton: 'All those kind and generous you said, made me feel like I was a pickle stepping into history.'] ... Uhhh, I don't get that at all. As a matter of fact, if I remember correctly, your pickle's already stepped into history.

If you're keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we're really getting close.

President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth.

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American — our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had a press conference at the Pentagon. If you listen to him speak, it really makes you wonder what the fuck he's thinking. [Shows clip of Rumsfeld threatening to hold Syria and Iran accountable for hostile acts against the U.S.] Do you see what he just did there? We're in the middle of a war, and he's starting another war. We're already fighting Iraq and he's like, 'Syria, you want a piece?' ...There is nothing like a cantankerous old man who takes a hey-you-kids-get-off-my-lawn approach to foreign policy. The guy's literally just like a drunk swinging a broken bottle at people. 'Hey, Netherlands, you looking at me?'

The United States Central Command of the Armed Forces has asked Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq. It should also be noted that the only three other people that the U.S. military has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam Hussein and his two sons.

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext for invading Iraq. There's just one problem — it's in North Korea.

President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address, riding high on an 82 percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent.

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

On a personal note, I'm a comedian who makes fun of what I believe to be the absurdities of our government. Tomorrow when you go to the polls, make my life difficult. Make the next four years really hard, so that every morning all we can do is come in and go, 'Madonna is doing some Kaballah thing, you wanna do that?' I'd like that. I'm tired.

With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the 34-member Coalition of the Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of the Rest of the World.

Spain's new Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced he will soon call back Spain's 1,300 troops from Iraq — meaning the Coalition of the Willing is fast turning into a Duet of the Stubborn.

After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call every parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.'

What was God thinking in putting all his holy sites in one area? Like two blocks from each other. Is the idea for God ... He just put it in there like, 'I just want to see who wants it more.'

You know if I had a nickel for everytime Bush has brought up 9-11...I could raise enough reward money to go catch Bin Laden!
(You know if I had a nickel for everytime Chen has brought up 2-28...I could raise enough reward money to go catch the Ten Most Wanted!)

[regarding the lawsuit against Napster]
The judgment marks a key victory for the recording industry, in its aggressive battle against poor high school students and fun.
[about an increase in college crime rates]
This is what happens when you take away Napster.

*sigh* Wish Jon would comment on our stupid administration.